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To get
in the Christmas spirit here's something I wrote for 'The Nation' newspaper
(one of the top two English language daily papers) about four years ago when
I had a weekly column in the Education section.
It's Christmas . . .
Chocolate Hob Nobs,
Guinness at an affordable price, snow, The Queen’s speech, halves of cider
and black, The Sound of Music, a Clive James TV special; are all things
which us migrant workers miss about Christmas at home – at least if you’re
from the UK. Add another blast from the festive past to the list – The
Christmas school nativity play.
Christmas school
nativity plays are part of everyone’s childhood. Everyone reading this will
be able to reminisce about how they laughed when the smarmy school swot, who
played Joseph for three years running, was brought down a peg or two during
an unplanned onstage peasant’s revolt.
I’ve never had the
privilege, or more likely the ordeal, of attempting to organize any form of
gathering. (To be honest a piss up in a brewery is about my level of
organizational skills.) So I’ll try to put myself in the shoes of a
selfless, angora sweatered drama teacher and look at ways to overcome some
of the common problems encountered during the staging of such a spectacle.
Inherent problem
number one ‘ Too many kids, too few roles.’ Why someone didn’t correct this
the year following Jesus’ death or whilst the scribes were writing the bible
I’ll never know. I guess stage adaptations and the whims of 30 sets of
parents all dying to see their offspring on the stage were never taken into
consideration.
What every drama
teacher does is to rewrite the story by throwing a few additional characters
into the mix. For example:
A donkey – this
gets rid of two of the more inept or unphotogenic kids in one fell swoop.
The Innkeeper’s
wife and kids – Toss them a few lines to keep the parents happy “ Ooh, it’s
cold tonight, isn’t it kids?”, “ Yes Mum”, “Yes, Mum” etc (Repeat once per
child.)
A star – for the
wise men to follow. Hip playwrights will use a modern interpretation and
the star will be David Beckham or Britney Spears, which will allow one lucky
9 year old to wear a football kit or to dress like a slapper on stage.
The Baby Jesus –
usually played effectively by a swaddled doll but good if you have any
stunted kids in the class.
An Angel (or two) –
Especially handy if the school technician has always fantasized about being
a special effects designer in Hollywood. Cue flash of smoke and angels
descend from the Heavens “See Mary, dreams really do come true.” , “All
together now . . . . When you wish upon a star etc. . . “ Exit angels stage
left to rapturous applause.
A Tree – one for
the Mogadon kid in the class. An ability to be motionless is all that’s
required.
Sheep - Useful for
a class of infants who, no matter what role they were allocated, would just
wander aimlessly on stage anyway. Better to have wandering sheep than
wandering trees.
Santa’s little
helpers – another one for the secular crowd. Kids get to dish out bags of
sweets to members of the audience.
Having assigned
roles to all members of the class it’s time to indulge in a bit of creative
writing to liven up what is often a rather dull affair. Remember that
parents with three kids - aged 6, 9, 12 will spend about 10 consecutive
Christmases watching Primary school plays.
Joseph: "Just check
your bookings again please. It should be under ‘Of Aramathea, Mr and Mrs,
Mary and Joseph’. Yes, from Aramathea. Yes. It's my surname and it's also
where I'm from."
Receptionist :
“Like I said we’re full.”
Joseph: “But we
booked it on the Net months ago. We got an email confirmation.”
Receptionist: “I’m
going to have to call security.”
Joseph: “Hang on.
What about the stable?”
Receptionist: “I
beg your pardon?”
Joseph: “Is there
anyone using the stable?”
Receptionist:
“Stable? We don't have a stable. We have three floors of underground
parking. No-one travels by horse any more. What made you think we would
have a stable?”
Joseph:
(Mumbles) “Just something I read in a book once."
Rewriting the
script is only half the story, a ripping good yarn is also required and, to
be frank, the original needs a bit of spice. This is where the average
Guardian reading drama teacher begins to stumble and the evil influences of
the moral majority get in the way. This leads to an adaptation along the
lines of “ A Strong Moral Message About Contemporary Urban Society" or “The
Trials and Tribulations of Unmarried Mothers.”
Updating events to
present day Israel by including calling in airstrikes on Innkeepers
suspected of harbouring Hamas activists, the ‘guiding light’ turning out to
be nothing more than tracer fire and building the ‘Three suicide Kings’ into
the equation aren’t recommended – as they don’t really make for an afternoon
of all round family fun.
Even after all the
rewriting the storyline is shaky, a few good gimmicks can go a long way to
salvaging the previous 6 months effort. You could, for example, relay all
the angels' messages to Mary on a Nokia WAP-enabled mobile phone. (This also
means young Mary has less problems learning her lines this year.)
Alternatively get
the audience involved with a bit of mobile phone fun. If you want Mary &
Joseph to be allowed to stay at the Inn dial 1900 444 100. If you think
they should have tried the Ramallah Ramada instead call 1900 444 101.
Anyone who believes Joseph is just looking for a way to avoid paying for a
room in order to save enough shekels for a night out with the lads at the
‘Gomorrah a-go-go’ dial 1900 444 102.
Finally, a song is
always a good way to end the proceeding with a smile on the kids faces.
Avoid any songs kids actually enjoy singing. No Limp Bizkit or songs with
choruses along the lines of “I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter.” Or “Do
it to me all night long, baby. Ooooh yeah.” Slade’s perennial favourite
“Merry Christmas Everybody” is also best avoided due to the asthma attack
inducing effects of the rousing chorus on OAPs in the audience.
Instead, think
traditional. Take a carol and give it a decent modern twist. As it’s best
to write from experience the twist can be of a personal nature. I might
choose to throw in one or more of the following for example:
"We Three Kings Disoriented Are."
"On The First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me (And Then Took It All
Away."
"Hark, the Herald Angels Sing About Me."
"Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me, The Bastard."
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